


I'm Filing For Divorce

by wynw00d



Series: Domestic Malum [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Couch Cuddles, Cuddles, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Pet Names, Pets, pumpkin patch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:38:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5028676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynw00d/pseuds/wynw00d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Calum wants a divorce and Michael's confused because they aren't even married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Filing For Divorce

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LyricalPary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalPary/gifts).



> because Pary let me have [this prompt](http://wynw00d.tumblr.com/post/130658925314/mpregashton-headcanon-that-every-time-malum-have)! It took me a little longer to write than expected but i finished it!!
> 
> Also thanks @[beth](http://tronnor.co.vu) for Cabbage.

Calum slammed the pantry shut, cursing under his breath as he clutched at the empty jar in his hand. He got no respect in this household, none. He had one rule. _One rule_.

“You ate the last of my peanut butter.” Calum started talking before he had even fully turned the corner into the living room where Mikey was watching TV, locking eyes on his boyfriend the minute he was in the room. “And then you put the empty jar _back_.” He held up said empty jar, waving it in Michael’s direction.

Michael barely turned from the television to glance in his boyfriends direction, choosing instead to hide the smile taking over his face instead of stopping it from spreading all together. “There was some left in that when I put it back I swear.” He could’t quite hide the amusement seeping into his voice though.

Calum scoffed, narrowing his eyes, “Where’d it go then?” The jar slammed harshly onto the coffee table when Calum came to a stop in front of Michael, hands coming to rest on his hips as he towered over his boyfriend.

“Maybe it’s hiding from you?” Michael couldn't help the laugh that wound around his words. If his boyfriend was part train he’d have steam shooting out of his ears right now, like in the cartoons.

Calum looked to be about a second from stamping his foot like a child. “You’re a dirty liar.” Michael tried to put on his best innocent face, attempting to replace the frown on his boyfriends face with something slightly fonder. Calum leveled him with an unamused look before his frown crumbled into a pout. He threw his hands up, turning to plop down on the couch and grumbling. “Fuck you. I had one rule!”

Michael only grinned harder, throwing an arm over his pouting boyfriends shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby.”

They were quiet for a second, before Calum’s arms crossed and a breath left him swiftly. “I want a divorce.” He huffed.

A surprised noise forced itself out of Michael’s throat, a shocked, “We aren’t even married.” settling thick in the air.

Calum took a deep breath, smiling big on the exhale and burrowing further into Michael’s side. “Well you should get on that so I can divorce you.”

Michael made a discontented noise, his hand sliding soothingly along Calum’s shoulder. “I’m not gonna marry you just so you can divorce me!” He couldn't help but smile at the giggle that left his boyfriends lips.

Calum rolled his eyes, burying his face in his boyfriends neck. “Nooooo…” Calum’s hand slid across Michael’s stomach, resting on his left hip, “but you’d marry me because you love me.” His words were muffled by Michaels shoulder but Michael heard him loud and clear.

“Yeah, I do love you.” A fond smile spread over Michael’s face, his hand trailing from Calum’s shoulder and into his hair.

There was a short heavy pause but Calum eventually spoke up, his voice playfully angry, “So then why’d you eat all my peanut butter.”

Michael threw his head back, groaning “Oh my god! I’ll buy you some more tomorrow!”

“Damn right, you will.” Calum pressed some quick kisses to Michael’s neck, a victorious smile on his face.

___________________

 

Calum can admit he might have gone an itty bitty little bit over board. He stood with hands on his hips as he surveyed the 13 _perfect_ pumpkins, yes _13_ , he had picked out while his boyfriend was busy. There had been a box located near the front register that was full of kittens. Calum had snuck off the minute Michael sat down, the pumpkin arts and crafts ideas that he had seen on Pintrest filling his head with a giddy excitement. He had so many different ideas and their place was going to look absolutely wonderful and Michael wasn't even around right now to stop him.

“We’re not taking home 13 pumpkins!”

Calum jumped at the loud voice of his boyfriend from behind him, spinning on his heel to face Michael head on with the pumpkin army behind him.

“What? Yes, we are! I need them.”

Michael leveled Calum with an unamused look, eyeing the copious amounts of variously sized pumpkins piled behind his boyfriend. “Why do you need so many?”

“I have plans, Michael. Big plans.”

Michael sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead wearily. There was a distinct possibility he was dating someone who had gone completely insane. “You’ve gone insane.”

Calum threw his hands into the air, “Thats it! I’m filing for divorce!”

Michael’s eye brows shot up, his face twisting up in surprise. “Over pumpkins?” No one could really blame him for the slight squeak to his words belying his surprise.

“They give me what I want in life.”

Michael snorted. This was getting ridiculous. “That’s ridiculous!”

“Hey! Don’t be rude.”

“You’re the one leaving me for pumpkins.”

“They love me more than you.”

“They’re inanimate! They don’t feel love!”

“Exactly.” Calum hissed.

Michael glanced around at the other people in the patch, noticing the amused looks being thrown their way. Honestly, he just wanted to go home, without 13 pumpkins. Calum had gone back to staring Michael down, arms crossed back over his chest. Michael sighed again, his voice hardening so that he might have a chance at winning this argument. “We don’t have room in the car for 13 pumpkins!”

“We’ll make room!” Determination took over Calum’s face, Michael immediately working up the same determination to match him. There was no way Calum was winning this one.

There was no way they were going home with _13 pumpkins_!

“Alright, 5. We can take 5.” Michael paused in thought, his finger coming up to punctuate his statement. “Plus one cat.”

Calum didn’t like the mischievous gleam he caught in Michael’s eye. He definitely shouldn’t have left his cat loving boyfriend with the crazy cat selling lady by the register. Really, Calum should have known better. “7, minus the cat and we have a deal.”

“4 pumpkins and a kitten.”

Calum squawked in indignation, pointing an accusatory finger at his boyfriend.“Stop lowering the amount of pumpkins I can take home! We don’t need a cat.”

“We don’t need 7 pumpkins either!” A surprised laugh bubbled out of Michael at the ridiculousness of the situation he found himself in.

Calum stared straight at Michael, the staring match of the century taking place in that little pumpkin patch off 5th street. Calum was the first to look away, exhaling heavily as he turned back to his pumpkins. “Fine. 7 pumpkins and a kitten. Happy?”

“Immensely.”

If Calum had still been facing Michael, he might have considered divorcing his boyfriend for the smug smile spreading across his face.

 

___________________

 

“Michael Gordon Clifford!” Calum’s shout rang throughout the house, bouncing off walls as it assaulted Michael’s still sleep clogged ears, “Where in God’s name did you leave the blow dryer!” His voice was coming closer, accompanied by the heavy steps pounding through the house, and honestly Michael just didn’t feel up for dealing with this right at the moment.

Hopefully the pillow covering his face would get his point across. If he couldn’t see Cal, then Cal couldn't see him.

“Michael.” Calum was using that tone of voice again. The one that he claimed meant business. “ _Michael_.” Michael really hadn't been under any sort of delusion that he could get out of this but hoping couldn't have hurt.

Michael groaned loudly. His hand reaching up to move the pillow away from his face dramatically. His eyes, when he finally looked at Calum, were at half-mast, sleep still crusting the edges. Calum was standing in the door way almost completely naked. Only a pair of black boxers clinging to his hips. Michael couldn't truthfully say that he was all that opposed to the man standing in the doorway anymore.

“Hello, handsome.” He propped his head up on his elbow, his eyes lingering up and down Calum’s figure.

“The blow dryer, Michael. Where is it? I’m going to be late for work.” Calum’s foot was tapping a steady beat on the floor, his face easily giving away his irritation at the moment.

Michael licked his lips. His eyes finally made it up to Calum’s and he chose to just ignore the irritation he saw ignited there. “I can think of several more productive activities that’ll make you very _very_ late for work sweetheart.” Michael grinned as he watched Calum process his words and tone of voice.

Calum blinked a few times before dropping his head into his hands, mumbling, “Oh my god, I’m dating a sex addict.”

Michael laughed in disbelief, picking up the kitten that had been curled on the pillow next to him and holding the cat up to his face to talk to it.

“I’m sorry. What was that? Sex addict? Me?” Michael had pressed a dramatic hand to his chest, cradling the kitten with the other as it meowed in what seemed to be an answer. Calum was already rolling his eyes at the accusatory tone. Michael brought the cat up to talk to it again, seemingly ignoring Calum’s presence now. “Who was it again, if it’d please you to refresh my memory, that was absolutely _begging me_ to give it to him _harder, Michael, **harder**_ last night? Many, many, _many_ times?”

Calum scoffed, turning away from his smug boyfriend. He couldn't believe this. He just wanted to dry his hair and go to work. He’d done nothing to deserve this teasing.

“Oh! That’s right!” The cat was lowered to his lap and his eyes finally locked on Calum’s, a manic grin spreading over his face, “It was you.” Michael looked entirely too smug, and Calum wanted to punch him.

“I’m divorcing you.” Calum turned to walk back to their bathroom, patience run down to the core. He’d let his hair air dry. It was halfway there at this point anyway. “And I’m taking the cat.”

“You can't take the cat! She loves me more!” Michael’s raised his voice at Calum’s retreating figure, clutching the small kitten to his chest and stroking its ears. The little thing was purring its content and a fond smile spread across Michael’s face. “The blow dryer is underneath the coffee table in the living room!”

“What the fuck? Why?” Calum called back from the bathroom, things clanking around as he attempted to get ready again.

Michael decided it was time to get out of bed (and maybe stop messing with his obviously stressed boyfriend). He placed the cat down on the floor, following it out of the room as it dashed away, tail held high. Michael passed the bathroom, where he saw his boyfriend, sadly wearing pants now, and the kitten rubbing against his feet. That little traitor.

“I was blow drying the cat.”

Calum’s head shot up and around to him, giving him an incredulous look from through his curly bangs. His eyes shot down to the cat at his feet before locking on Michael again. “Do I even want to know?”

Michael pushed off the door jam with a pleased smile, “Nah, probably not.” before he walked away to retrieve the blow dryer.

When he returned Calum was completely dressed, so Michael slipped in behind him, pressing a kiss to his boyfriends shoulder as he pressed the blow dryer into his hand. The cat was sitting on the toilet seat now, meowing up at them every once in a while.

Calum shot Michael a grateful smile through the mirror.

___________________

 

Michael plopped down on the couch, pushing into Calum’s side for a well-deserved cuddle. After all, he did make popcorn.

Calum already had the movie in and playing, something sci-fi that Michael should probably care more about but he was just really really tired, and the cat was snuggled into his lap. One of Calum’s hands was resting on Michael’s shoulder and the other was petting through the cats fur. All together they made a peaceful scene. Michael couldn't really be blamed for the heart shaped eyes he was sending their way.

“We never named her.” Michael had been staring at the cat when Calum spoke. He was a little surprised that Calum had been staring at him staring at the cat before he spoke. His boyfriend was weird though, he shouldn’t have been all that surprised. He was right though. They had had her at least a week now and they hadn't given the little thing a name yet. Calum spoke up again, burying his fingers in the kittens fur. “We should name her.”

“Okay. What should we name her?”

“I don’t know. She’s your cat! You should name her.” Calum plopped the kitten in Michael’s lap, removing the popcorn before Michael could eat it all.

“Alright…” Michael paused for a second. “How about… Old Fart?”

Calum’s hand paused en route to his mouth. “Old Fart?” Some popcorn fell to his lap.

Michael grinned big, rubbing at the cats ears fondly. “Yeah! So then when she gets old we have something accurate to call her.”

“You’re ridiculous. She’ll be young for longer than she’s old.”

“Oh true…” Michael paused to think again. Calum was already cringing to hear what he’d come up with next. “Okay! I got it!” He was bouncing a little in his seat. The cat didn’t seem to appreciate this much at all and Calum contemplated taking the poor thing back into his lap.

Calum was waiting for Michael’s grand reveal but it never came. Michael had just stopped, and he didn't seem to be about to say anything anytime soon. Cal leaned in closer to Michael, trying to catch his eye and get an idea for what his crazy boyfriend was thinking about. “Care to share?”

Michael looked up with a serious expression. “Cabbage.” The expression and deliverance of the name threw Calum off. He couldn't tell if Michael was serious about this name or not. Either way, he didn’t want to have to try explaining why the poor things name was Cabbage every time they left the house. Vet trips would be weird to the say the least.

Calum paused a second, waiting for Michael to maybe take it back or crack a grin but to no such luck. Tentatively he offered up his own name for the kitten. “I like Lucy.”

Michael looked down at the kitten in surprise. The name felt right. Like they had been calling her that for years. He grinned down at the kitten in his lap before looking back up at his boyfriend.

Michael pressed a quick kiss to Calum’s lips, mumbling into Calum’s space, “Fine, but when we have kids I reserve the right to name one of them Cabbage.”

Calum let out a loud groan, dropping his head to the back of the couch and squeezing his eyes shut.

“That’s it. I’m divorcing you for good this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me about Malum on tumblr fam. [wynw00d](http://wynw00d.tumblr.com)


End file.
